March 8,2019
I read about it. I was aware that it would happen. but I didn’t think about it.
Tonight was the night, and it was washing the sink when it all hit. A flood of tears accompanied my thoughts - or was it a realization - that I am living somewhere else and things are pretty different from where I lived before. I am purposely avoiding any “judgement” words and I am just accepting this different feeling as best I can. And I am sure that tomorrow morning, things will be better. Since I was 6 years old, I have known that things are always better in the morning. Not perfect....but better even if it’s just in perspective or better because the sun rose again.
So, don’t tell my kids about my meltdown - that’s for “Sunday afternoon cuddling on the couch” conversation. And I may not share with them the new things that bothered me until it comes up next...and yes, we have lots of conversations about missing Waterloo, missing friends and family, and just plain having to adjust. So today, I get to vent and let it all out, without judgement and without a need to “fix” anything.
The water is so hard and calcified here that I have to scrub so hard and use harsh chemicals. I loved cleaning my house in a Waterloo with natural products and vinegar. Here, the calcification laughs in the face of vinegar and settles in whiter and thicker!!!
windows allow the sun to shine its light through, and they allow me to see the lights of the village across the way and down by the lake. I feel as though everyone can see into my apartment!!!
I see the cameras outside and the people watching. I saw them look at Justin in flip flops out on the street. I don’t like being watched or feeling like I am watched. I open my front door and people could be right there not 1 meter away from me. I wake up to walk the dog and I can see 4 people easily before even leaving the building. I smile and they smile. It’s friendly. But they are there. Right there.
I think the dog is bored with so much time in the apartment. I haven’t been able to take him for some long walks for weeks. Yesterday I tried to take him for a 2 hr walk and we got rained on - real heavy rain!!! I was drenched in my puffer jacket and I was freezing to it ended up being only a half hour walk.
I wish we had just one more small room to escape to or to host people. I feel awkward not being able to have people visit and stay with me and that makes me also feel sad in addition to awkward.
I miss my family - and I love with them. But they go to work and school during the day and then do their activities and work in the evening. That makes me feel lonely.
I miss my family - my friends that are like family and my blood related family and my in-law family. Yup. There is something so wonderful willablut having history with people. To be with them in silence and know it’s ok. To blab non stop and know it’s ok. Yup. I miss my people!
Those are the biggies hat struck me while wiping out the bathroom sink with those incredibly strong chemical cleaners!! I know I will feel better in the morning. But for now I will let the feelings be and tuck in for the night. The mountains are gorgeous, the people are friendly, the flowers are starting to bloom, there is still snow in the mountains not far from here, I have a few new friends and I like them, the dog is his best dog ever and learned a new trick today.... see, I know the reality and I can see the positive things about being here.
Tonight I have feelings that came to the surface.
